Early January 2015:
I was pacing back and forth, wondering how in the world I could be pregnant and trying to figure out how I was going to tell Matt! We had only been married one year and were planning to wait a few more years before having kids. I was never a huge fan of the way birth control made me feel, so we were doing the old school temperature/ovulation tracking as our method of “family planning”. Obviously, we didn’t track it very well, haha. I had a mix of emotions…excited and joyful, scared and nervous, frustrated and uncertain. I told my hubby and he felt the exact same way I did. Were we horrible for feeling anything but joyful when so many women want to be pregnant? In my mind I thought so. I scheduled a doctor appointment with my OBGYN and a few weeks later, Matt and I had an ultra sound. My life immediately changed. We heard a heartbeat, a super fast, speedy little heartbeat. Our baby’s heartbeat! We saw a tiny little blob moving around. That was our child. We fell in love, so madly, deeply in love. The doctor told me I was just over 8 weeks pregnant and he gave us a boatload of information for first time parents. We were PARENTS! We told our families on Valentine’s Day and told our close friends the following week. Everyone was surprised but so happy for us! This would be the first grandchild on both sides and the first baby in our large friend group. I remember Matt saying sweetly saying one night “I love both of you.” My heart soared, he was going to be the best dad!
Two weeks later, I woke to Matt going to work before we were supposed to leave midday for the mountains. I sat up in bed and felt different. There is no real way to explain it, but I anxiously told Matt I didn’t feel pregnant anymore. We prayed and he suggested I go to the Dr. before we leave. He went to work and I was able to get in to the doctor. I explained my “symptoms” and he looked at me like he knew exactly what was happening. We did an ultra sound and saw our baby on the screen, but there was no heartbeat. (Ah, I cry right now thinking back to that heartbreaking moment!) My Dr. told me I had miscarried and he gave me the next steps. I was bawling. I nodded even though I wasn’t listening, and ran out to my car. I called Matt but couldn’t get the words out so I drove straight to his work. With tears running down my face, I walked in his building and straight into his office. We embraced and he hugged me for what seemed like an hour. I cried and cried and cried. We left and decided we would still drive to Mammoth so we could get away and talk, feel, pray and rest.
A few hours later, I decided I wasn’t going to have a D&C and would miscarry naturally when my body was ready. I started miscarrying the next evening. It was hands down the worst experience of my life. It was painful. Physically and emotionally. I was laying on the floor in so much pain with my husband’s arms around me all night. I didn’t pass the baby all the way, so I had to get medicine to complete the miscarriage when we returned home. My mom would come pick me up after Matt left for work and she would drop me off when he got home in the evening. It was a long two weeks to recover physically. I sometimes think I’m still recovering emotionally.
But let me say this so loud and so clear. GOD IS GOOD! He knows the plans for my life and He knew my life needed my sweet baby girl, Emma Rae who was born last August. I will never forget my first baby, who I believe is in Heaven, but I also wouldn’t trade my 6 month old for anything! God drew me in and comforted me during the time between my miscarriage and getting pregnant with Emma in a way only He can . He loves us so much, it’s amazing.
Alright, I knew once I started writing this post, it would get lengthy. So here are the main points I would love to share:
- After miscarrying myself, I found out how common it is and how many women I personally know have had one or more.
- Don’t let the point above fool you. Just because it’s common doesn’t make it any less tragic. It is so incredibly heartbreaking and sad to go through.
- Hormones are completely out of whack after a miscarriage. It took me 4 months to get a period back and to feel normal again. I went to acupuncture which I believe really helped.
- Journaling my thoughts, feelings, and prayers really helped me process losing my baby.
- My miscarriage gave me a tremendous appreciation for pregnancy and babies. When I got pregnant with Emma, I was thankful everyday for a healthy baby and amazed at how God creates a human.
- God loves you and He loves children. I trust that He knew what was best for us and that He must have really wanted that special little baby in Heaven for a reason.